How Do We Both Heal When We’re Stuck in So Much Pain?

I’ll never forget one night not long after Linda found out about my emotional affair. We were sitting in the living room, both completely drained. She was crying. I was staring at the floor, trying to figure out how to make things stop hurting so much. Every time I opened my mouth, I made it worse. Every time she asked a question, I got defensive. We were stuck.

If you’re in that place right now, I get it. Both of you are in pain, just in different ways. The betrayed partner is in pain because they’ve lost their sense of safety and trust. You’re in pain because you caused it and don’t know how to fix it. That mix can feel impossible to climb out of.

But here’s the truth. You can both heal. It won’t happen fast, and it sure won’t be clean or comfortable. But it can happen if you stop fighting the pain and start working through it together.

Step One: Stop Trying to Rush the Pain Away

I used to think if I just said the right things, Linda would calm down and we could move on. I didn’t realize that my rush to “make it better” actually made it worse. Every time I said, “You have to stop bringing this up,” she heard, “Your pain is too much for me.”

Your partner’s pain has to be seen and validated before it can start to fade. That means you listen without jumping in to explain. You don’t defend yourself or try to fix it. You just take it in.

Your own pain comes from facing who you were and what you did. Sit with that. It’s not punishment. It’s growth. Let it change you.

If you want both of you to heal, stop trying to skip the hard parts.

Step Two: Learn to Stay in It When It Gets Uncomfortable

When emotions run high, most unfaithful partners shut down, argue, or pull away. You tell yourself you’re trying to keep things calm, but what you’re really doing is protecting yourself from shame.

Here’s the fix. Stay in it. Look your partner in the eye. Let them be angry. Say things like, “You have every right to feel this way,” or “I can see how much that still hurts.” Then stop talking.

You don’t have to have perfect words. You just have to stay present. That’s what begins to rebuild safety. It’s showing that you can handle their emotions without running away or making it about you.

It’s not easy. But every time you stay instead of retreat, you make progress.

Step Three: Focus on Healing, Not Fixing

A big mistake I made early on was thinking if I worked on myself, Linda would automatically start healing too. It doesn’t work like that.

Your healing is about your side of the fence. It’s about getting honest about why the affair happened, learning empathy, and living differently every day. Your partner’s healing is about processing the betrayal and deciding whether trust can be rebuilt.

You can influence their healing by being consistent, but you can’t control it. So quit trying. When both of you focus on your own work, that’s when the relationship starts to slowly rebuild.

Step Four: Notice the Small Wins

Healing doesn’t come with big announcements or one magic gesture. It’s quiet.

You’ll notice it in shorter arguments. Softer tones. Less time between bad days and better ones. Maybe your partner lets you hold their hand again. Maybe you share a small laugh. These moments matter.

Say it when you see it: “That went better than last time.” It helps both of you notice progress you might otherwise miss.

If you’re looking for fireworks, you’ll be disappointed. If you look for small steps, you’ll start to see change.

Step Five: Keep Choosing Repair Over Retreat

There will be setbacks. You’ll say something wrong. Your partner will get triggered. You’ll both feel like you’re back at square one. You’re not.

Every time you come back and try again, you rebuild a little more trust. That’s how healing works, not in leaps, but in small moments of repair stacked over time.

Your job is to stay in it, keep showing up, and let your actions line up with your words.

Because real healing isn’t about who hurts more. It’s about learning to walk through the hurt side by side until it stops being the thing that defines you.

Try This Today

Pick one small thing that helps create safety again, something you can actually control.

• Answer one hard question honestly

• Check in once today without being asked

• Say “I know that still hurts, and I’m sorry” without adding a “but”

• Do something that shows consistency

Do one of these today. It’s how momentum starts.

If You’re Ready to Take the Next Step

If you’re ready to stop spinning your wheels and start healing the right way, I can help. I’ve worked with many people who were in the same place you are. People who are confused, ashamed, and desperate to make things better. Together, we’ll cut through the noise and figure out what actually works to rebuild trust and connection. (Click the link below)

Explore mentoring

A lot of people who’ve had an affair spend months, even years, trying to figure out why it happened. They circle around guilt, shame, and confusion but never quite get to real answers.

That’s where the Root Cause Analysis Mentoring Program comes in. It’s a simple, focused way to dig deeper and understand what really went wrong beneath the surface. You know…the stuff that keeps you stuck if you don’t face it.

If you’ve been saying things like, “I don’t even know why I did it,” or if your spouse keeps asking that same question and you can’t give a clear answer, this program is for you.

It’s not about blame or excuses. It’s about clarity, honesty, and learning how to make sure it never happens again.

If that sounds like something you need, take a look.

From the World of Self-Improvement

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Feeling Stuck? Here's How We Can Help You Move Forward

When you're ready for more than just reading… here are two powerful ways to get traction in your healing journey: 

1. Start with a Program That Fits Where You Are. Whether you're the betrayed partner trying to survive the chaos—or the unfaithful partner trying to stop making it worse—there's a resource here that speaks directly to you. 

→ Survive and Thrive after Infidelity - For betrayed spouses ready to steady themselves and start rebuilding. 

This full program walks you (or your spouse) through what to expect after D-day, how to calm the emotional rollercoaster, and how to reclaim your power. 

→ Get the clarity and support you need to not just survive—but thrive. 

→ The Unfaithful Person's Guide to Helping Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: For unfaithful partners who don’t want to keep guessing what helps. 

This guide covers the 24 critical tasks that shift you from betrayer to healer. It's not fluff—it’s the real work your partner needs to see from you.

→ Stop spinning in shame and start showing up differently. 

2. Talk to Someone Who Gets It - Sometimes, you don’t need more information. You need a real conversation with someone who’s been where you are.  Book a Mentoring Session 

Whether you're the betrayed or the unfaithful partner, mentoring gives you space to be heard, get honest, and receive personalized guidance.

→ Not just sympathy—real empathy. From people who’ve lived it.

Take care!

Linda & Doug

Emotional Affair Journey

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