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How to Know If You’re Actually Making Progress After the Affair
Doug & Linda
October 30, 2025
How to Know If You’re Actually Making Progress After the Affair
If you’re the one who had the affair, you’ve probably had moments when you wonder, “Are we actually getting better, or just pretending?”
That question hits hard. It can feel like no matter how much effort you put in, one bad day wipes it all out. Maybe your spouse seems okay for a while, then suddenly the pain comes roaring back. You go from feeling hopeful to completely defeated in minutes.
I remember feeling that way myself. Linda and I would have good talks. She’d seem to believe in us again. Then something would trigger her, and we’d be right back in the middle of pain and anger. It felt like two steps forward, three steps back.
What I didn’t understand back then was that healing doesn’t usually look dramatic. It’s not one big moment where everything suddenly clicks into place. Most of the time, it’s quiet and gradual. The progress is there, you just have to know where to look for it.
That’s why we put together what we call a Progress Spotting Checklist. These are twenty small but important signs that healing is happening, even if it doesn’t always feel like it.
The Progress Spotting Checklist
20 Signs Healing Is Happening (Even If You Doubt It)
Arguments don’t blow up like they used to. They’re shorter or calmer.
One of you walks away before things explode and later comes back to talk.
You admit fault without getting defensive.
Your spouse expresses pain without it turning into a full-blown fight.
They can go hours or maybe even a day without obsessing about the affair.
You offer reassurance without being asked.
Your spouse starts to notice your effort, not just your mistakes.
There’s more honesty in small, everyday details.
Eye contact feels a little less painful.
You share a laugh, even a small one.
Check-in texts start to feel natural instead of forced.
You make small plans for the future, like a meal, a weekend, or a walk.
Your spouse asks fewer repeat questions.
You’re the one to bring up a hard conversation instead of avoiding it.
Fights end with some kind of repair, like a hug, an apology, or acknowledgment.
You find yourself saying “I appreciate you” more often.
Emotional or physical intimacy feels a little safer.
You both start to notice and name the progress you’re making.
Your spouse feels a little less “crazy” than before.
There’s even a tiny spark of hope about the future.
What Progress Really Looks Like
If you’re still in the thick of recovery, this list might surprise you. You might think progress means your spouse should trust you again, or that the pain should be gone by now. But that’s not how it works.
Real progress is built from small moments that show consistency and effort over time. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about showing up every day with honesty and humility, even when it’s uncomfortable.
If you want to put this into practice, here’s something to try tonight. Print this list or write it down, and circle any signs that apply to you and your spouse. Don’t overthink it. Even one or two items matter. Seeing it in black and white can help you realize you are making progress, even if it doesn’t feel like it yet.
You might also notice that some of these signs depend on you taking initiative. Things like offering reassurance without being asked, admitting fault without defending yourself, or starting the tough conversations. These are the kinds of actions that rebuild safety over time. They’re what help your spouse believe your words again.
The Truth About Healing After Infidelity
Healing after infidelity is never a straight line. You’ll have good weeks and bad ones. You’ll say or do something that sets things back, and you’ll have to repair again. That’s normal.
What matters most is how you handle those moments. When you can admit a mistake, own it, and stay present for your spouse’s pain, that’s real progress. When you can listen without trying to fix it or defend yourself, that’s another sign.
You won’t always feel like you’re moving forward. Some days will feel heavy and hopeless. But those small changes, shorter arguments, calmer talks, a little more honesty, mean that healing is taking root.
So don’t give up because you can’t see big, dramatic breakthroughs. Most couples who rebuild don’t have one defining moment that turns everything around. They have hundreds of small ones that stack up over time until one day, the pain doesn’t dominate everything anymore.
Keep doing the small things that matter. Keep noticing the quiet signs that show progress. Because healing after infidelity isn’t about pretending it didn’t happen. It’s about proving, through your actions again and again, that it doesn’t define who you are anymore.
That’s how real rebuilding happens. One small, honest step at a time.
Ready to rebuild with real guidance?
If you’re serious about healing and want someone who’s been through it to walk you through what actually works, mentoring can help. Let’s figure this out together.
“You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”
Why the “Why” Really Matters
A lot of people who’ve had an affair spend months, even years, trying to figure out why it happened. They circle around guilt, shame, and confusion but never quite get to real answers.
That’s where the Root Cause Analysis Mentoring Program comes in. It’s a simple, focused way to dig deeper and understand what really went wrong beneath the surface. You know…the stuff that keeps you stuck if you don’t face it.
If you’ve been saying things like, “I don’t even know why I did it,” or if your spouse keeps asking that same question and you can’t give a clear answer, this program is for you.
It’s not about blame or excuses. It’s about clarity, honesty, and learning how to make sure it never happens again.
If that sounds like something you need, take a look.
From the World of Self-Improvement
Relationships
Emotional/Mental Well-being
Personal Growth
Physical Well-being
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Professional and Financial
Feeling Stuck? Here's How We Can Help You Move Forward
When you're ready for more than just reading… here are two powerful ways to get traction in your healing journey:
1. Start with a Program That Fits Where You Are. Whether you're the betrayed partner trying to survive the chaos—or the unfaithful partner trying to stop making it worse—there's a resource here that speaks directly to you.
→ Survive and Thrive after Infidelity - For betrayed spouses ready to steady themselves and start rebuilding.
This full program walks you (or your spouse) through what to expect after D-day, how to calm the emotional rollercoaster, and how to reclaim your power.
→ Get the clarity and support you need to not just survive—but thrive.
→ The Unfaithful Person's Guide to Helping Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: For unfaithful partners who don’t want to keep guessing what helps.
This guide covers the 24 critical tasks that shift you from betrayer to healer. It's not fluff—it’s the real work your partner needs to see from you.
→ Stop spinning in shame and start showing up differently.
2. Talk to Someone Who Gets It - Sometimes, you don’t need more information. You need a real conversation with someone who’s been where you are. Book a Mentoring Session
Whether you're the betrayed or the unfaithful partner, mentoring gives you space to be heard, get honest, and receive personalized guidance.
→ Not just sympathy—real empathy. From people who’ve lived it.
Take care!
Linda & Doug
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