Before we get started…

If you’re reading this, there’s a decent chance you want things to get better. You may not know how. You may not feel confident you can pull it off. Still, you’re here.

What gets tricky in affair recovery is that wanting change and doing the work are not the same thing. Most unfaithful partners aren’t avoiding the work of recovery because they don’t care. They’re avoiding it because parts of the work feel threatening, confusing, or overwhelming, even when they can’t quite explain why.

Today’s issue is about avoidance in affair recovery, not to call you out, but to help you understand what’s actually getting in the way so you can stop fighting yourself and start making steadier progress.

Featured Article…

Avoidance in Affair Recovery, Why Unfaithful Partners Get Stuck (Even When They Want to Change)

One of the most common things I see with unfaithful partners is they get to a place where momentum comes to a halt. They say they want to repair the damage. They mean it. And then they hesitate, delay, or circle around the deeper work.

This doesn’t make you don’t care, but it usually means your nervous system is doing its job a little too well.

Why Avoidance Shows Up in Affair Recovery

Avoidance in affair recovery isn’t about laziness. It’s about self-protection. The brain is wired to reduce emotional threat, not to chase growth. When recovery work starts to poke at shame, regret, identity, or the possibility of loss, the system pulls back.

Think about exercise. Most people know it’s good for them. They understand the benefits. Still, starting an exercise program feels uncomfortable, awkward, and exposing. The couch feels safer than the gym, at least today. That same logic shows up in affair recovery. Avoidance feels better in the short term, even while it quietly keeps you stuck.

How Avoidance Shows Up for Unfaithful Partners

For unfaithful partners, avoidance often shows up as staying in your head instead of your emotions. You might explain, analyze, or plan rather than sit with discomfort. You might do surface-level repair that calms things down without touching the deeper layers. You might delay therapy or exercises because you’re “not ready yet.”

That doesn’t make you dishonest, but it does mean you’re managing fear more than you realize.

Affair recovery doesn’t just ask you to change behavior. It asks you to face parts of yourself you may not like. It raises questions like, “How did I become someone capable of this?” and “What does real accountability actually look like?” Avoidance becomes a way to keep shame from flooding the system.

Why Avoidance Works, Until It Doesn’t

In the short term, avoidance works. It reduces tension. It lowers conflict. It helps you function. The nervous system learns fast, and if avoiding brings relief, it reinforces the pattern. Long-term repair doesn’t register in the moment. Surviving the next conversation does.

This does not mean accountability doesn’t matter, but it does mean pressure and shame usually backfire. Being told to “just do the work” often increases threat, not motivation. Threat causes us to shutdown, and shutdown causes more avoidance.

What Actually Helps Momentum Return

What actually helps is making the work feel survivable is taking smaller steps. Clear structure. Predictable expectations. Permission to be imperfect. This does not mean lowering standards, but it does mean starting from your current reality, not where you think you should be.

Avoidance in affair recovery loosens its grip when the next step feels possible instead of overwhelming. Momentum comes after safety, not before it.

If You Want Some Extra Help

If you keep finding yourself stalled, knowing what needs to happen but not quite able to move, mentoring can help lower the friction and give you structure. It’s not about being pushed or fixed. It’s about having steady guidance so the work feels manageable and you don’t keep drifting back into avoidance. You don’t have to sort this out on your own.

Just reach out when you’re ready.

What I’m Seeing This Week…

This week I talked with an unfaithful husband who was frustrated with himself. He said, “I know what I need to do. I just keep not doing it.”

As we talked further, it became clear he wasn’t resisting change. He was struggling with shame. Every time he thought about deeper work, his body tightened. His mind jumped to worst-case conclusions. So he distracted himself with other activities instead.

Once he saw that avoidance in affair recovery was a protective move, not a character flaw, things shifted. We focused on one manageable step instead of trying to tackle the whole mountain. He didn’t suddenly become fearless, but he became more consistent.

That’s usually how progress actually happens.

Two Small Steps for the Week

For Your Relationship

Choose one conversation you’ve been avoiding and simplify it. Don’t aim to explain everything or fix everything. Start with a single honest sentence, even if it’s uncomfortable.

For example, “I notice I shut down when we get close to this topic, and I want to work on that.” This does not solve the problem, but it does open the door.

For Yourself

Pay attention to where avoidance shows up in your body this week. Notice tension, distraction, or the urge to escape when recovery work comes up.

Instead of pushing through or backing away, name it. Saying, “This feels threatening right now” creates space without letting avoidance run the show.

A lot of people who’ve had an affair spend months, even years, trying to figure out why it happened. They circle around guilt, shame, and confusion but never quite get to real answers.

That’s where the Root Cause Analysis Mentoring Program comes in. It’s a simple, focused way to dig deeper and understand what really went wrong beneath the surface. You know…the stuff that keeps you stuck if you don’t face it.

If you’ve been saying things like, “I don’t even know why I did it,” or if your spouse keeps asking that same question and you can’t give a clear answer, this program is for you.

It’s not about blame or excuses. It’s about clarity, honesty, and learning how to make sure it never happens again.

If that sounds like something you need, take a look.

Deeper Dive

If today’s insight hit home and you want support applying it, here’s how we can help

That’s a Wrap!

Here’s what to do if you want real progress:

1. Get clear on your “why.”

The Root Cause Analysis Intensive help you understand the deeper patterns behind the affair so you can finally change them.

2. Learn exactly how to support your spouse.

The Unfaithful Person's Guide shows you what actually helps them feel safer (not what you assume helps).

3. Learn exactly how to support your spouse.

If you’re stuck in guilt, shame, fear, or confusion, individual mentoring gives you steady support and real direction.

Take one step at a time and take care!

Linda & Doug

Emotional Affair Journey

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