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What Do You Do When You Feel Like You’re Doing Everything and Nothing Is Changing?
Doug & Linda
December 11, 2025
Before we get started…
The MEND newsletter is getting a small overhaul. We’re cutting out the extra articles and the scattered topics because most people don’t need more information right now, they need direction.
From here on out, each issue will focus on one theme and a handful of actions you can actually take this week. We’re also adding more real insight from the mentoring sessions I’m doing, because that’s where the real patterns (and the real change) show up.
The goal is simple: keep things clearer, steadier, and more helpful for where you are right now. So let’s get into it!
Featured Article…
What Do You Do When You Feel Like You’re Doing Everything and Nothing Is Changing?
I hear this from unfaithful partners all the time. You’re trying. You’re showing up. You’re listening more than you ever have. And somehow your spouse is still hurting, still triggered, still questioning everything, and you’re standing there thinking, “How long is this going to take?”
If that’s where you are, you’re not a failure. You’re just bumping into one of the most frustrating parts of recovery. Healing has its own pace, and it rarely moves as fast as the person who caused the damage wants it to.
I had a guy tell me last week, “Doug, I feel like I’m pushing my car uphill.”
I laughed because I’ve been there. I know exactly what that feels like. And this feeling usually comes from trying to rush a process that doesn’t care how impatient we get.
Let’s break this into something that actually helps.
Why It Feels Like Nothing Is Changing
It isn’t because you’re doing it wrong.
It’s because you can’t see the small wins your spouse is making.
You see the blowups.
You see the bad days.
You see the tears and the doubts.
What you don’t see are the moments your spouse held back a comment, calmed themselves before approaching you, or talked themselves out of checking your phone. That’s progress too. It’s just invisible from your side.
The Trap That Slows Everything Down
Most unfaithful partners hit this pattern:
· Trying hard
· Expecting fast results
· Getting discouraged
· Pulling back without realizing it
· Then wondering why nothing changes
That pullback is a killer. Not dramatic. Not on purpose. Just little things like shorter answers, fewer check ins, less empathy, less patience on the third trigger of the day.
When you pull back even a little, your spouse feels it. They read it as disinterest. And their pain spikes again.
You may only be tired.
They feel abandoned.
That’s the mismatch you’re dealing with.
What Actually Works Long Term
This isn’t about intensity. It’s about steadiness.
No huge speeches.
No heroic gestures.
Just consistent emotional availability.
Here’s what steady looks like in real life.
Checklist: What Steady Support Looks Like
• You keep showing up even when the conversations repeat
• You don’t rush your spouse’s emotions
• You stay calm even when you’re frustrated
• You initiate small moments of connection daily
• You own your part without sliding into guilt spirals
• You pause before reacting defensively
• You accept that progress is uneven
• You ask what your spouse needs instead of assuming
These small actions beat the big dramatic ones every time.
What It Means If You Feel Discouraged
You’re human.
You’re tired.
You want hope.
But discouragement doesn’t mean you’re failing. It just means you’re hitting the part where consistency matters more than motivation. Every meaningful change in life goes through this phase. Affair recovery is no different.
Do This Today
Pick one thing your spouse has been needing from you
and do it without waiting for the perfect moment.
Keep it small and keep it real.
Something like:
“How are you feeling today with everything? I want to understand.”
That one moment makes the whole day feel safer.
If You Need Mentoring
If you’re trying your best and still feeling stuck, I can help you sort out what to do next and how to actually make this easier on both of you. You don’t have to guess your way through this.
Just tell me and we’ll set something up.
What I’m Seeing This Week…
A lot of unfaithful partners are running into the same problem: they’re trying hard, but when they don’t see quick changes, they get discouraged and start pulling back without noticing. It’s never dramatic. It’s little things like shorter answers, less eye contact, or losing patience after the third trigger of the day.
Meanwhile, here’s what’s happening inside the betrayed spouse’s head:
“Are they slipping again?”
“Do they still care, or are they tired of me?”
“Is this the beginning of them checking out?”
“Am I too much?”
They don’t see your discouragement as exhaustion. They feel it as danger. Their brain reads every tiny shift as a possible repeat of the betrayal because that’s the wound they’re still trying to make sense of.
One guy told me something to the effect, “I’m doing everything I can, but she’s still hurting.”
The part he missed was that his small moments of pulling back confirmed every fear she already wakes up with.
If this sounds familiar, here’s the move: Stay steady even when you’re tired.
That’s what tells your spouse they’re safe enough to keep healing.
“Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out.”
Two Small Steps for the Week
1. For Your Relationship
Pick one moment each day to check in without being prompted.
Keep it short and steady. Something like, “How are you feeling with everything today?”
Don’t try to fix anything. Don’t rush it. Just be Present. One honest check in every day builds more trust than any long speech.
2. For Yourself
Notice the moment you start to get discouraged and take one slow breath before reacting.
That tiny pause keeps you from slipping into defensiveness or shutdown. It gives you just enough space to stay steady instead of pulling back.
Why the “Why” Really Matters
A lot of people who’ve had an affair spend months, even years, trying to figure out why it happened. They circle around guilt, shame, and confusion but never quite get to real answers.
That’s where the Root Cause Analysis Mentoring Program comes in. It’s a simple, focused way to dig deeper and understand what really went wrong beneath the surface. You know…the stuff that keeps you stuck if you don’t face it.
If you’ve been saying things like, “I don’t even know why I did it,” or if your spouse keeps asking that same question and you can’t give a clear answer, this program is for you.
It’s not about blame or excuses. It’s about clarity, honesty, and learning how to make sure it never happens again.
If that sounds like something you need, take a look.
Deeper Dive
If today’s insight hit home and you want support applying it, here’s how we can help
That’s a Wrap!
Here’s what to do if you want real progress:
1. Get clear on your “why.”
The Root Cause Analysis Intensive help you understand the deeper patterns behind the affair so you can finally change them.
2. Learn exactly how to support your spouse.
The Unfaithful Person's Guide shows you what actually helps them feel safer (not what you assume helps).
3. Learn exactly how to support your spouse.
If you’re stuck in guilt, shame, fear, or confusion, individual mentoring gives you steady support and real direction.
Take one step at a time and take care!
Linda & Doug
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