Why ‘Just Be Honest’ is the Worst Advice for Rebuilding Trust (And What You Should Do Instead)

I once coached a man named Jake who was desperate to rebuild trust with his wife after his affair. He was doing everything he thought he was supposed to do.

✔ He ended the affair.
✔ He answered every question his wife asked.
✔ He swore to never lie again.

But something wasn’t clicking. His wife, Melissa, still didn’t trust him.

One night, she looked him dead in the eye and said:

"You say you’re being honest, but I don’t believe a word that comes out of your mouth."

Jake was stunned. He had been brutally honest—he told her about the affair, every detail she asked for. He didn’t lie about where he was going. He never tried to hide his phone.

So why didn’t she trust him?

Because honesty alone isn’t enough.

The Big Mistake: Thinking ‘Honesty’ = Trust

Most unfaithful spouses believe that as long as they tell the truth moving forward, trust will be restored. That’s why people often say: “Just be honest, and things will get better.”

But here’s what they don’t realize: honesty is just the baseline.

It’s like going to work and expecting a standing ovation for showing up on time—that’s just expected behavior, not something that builds deep trust.

If you’ve had an affair, your spouse isn’t looking for honesty. They’re looking for proof that you are a different person.

And that requires more than just telling the truth—it requires transparency, consistency, and proactive action.

Why Honesty Alone Fails (And What Actually Rebuilds Trust)

1. Honesty is Passive—Rebuilding Trust is Proactive

Jake was honest, but he was also waiting for Melissa to ask the right questions.

When she did, he answered truthfully. But that’s not trust-building behavior—that’s just damage control.

What Jake needed to do instead:

• Stop waiting for her to ask questions—bring things up before she has to.

• Volunteer details about his day, thoughts, and struggles—not just facts about the past.

• Make his life an open book—because trust isn’t built in reaction, it’s built in proactive openness.

2. Honesty Without Emotional Connection Feels Hollow

Melissa told me something powerful:

"Jake tells me the truth now, but it feels cold. Like he’s just checking a box."

This is where most unfaithful spouses go wrong. They treat honesty like a transaction—as if answering questions is enough. But honesty without emotional engagement just feels like a sterile confession.

What real trust-building looks like:

• Instead of just answering her questions, Jake needed to validate her pain—"I know how much I hurt you, and I want to be here for you."

• Instead of just saying where he was, he needed to show thoughtfulness—"I’ll be home by 6, but if I’m running late, I’ll check in so you’re not left wondering."

• Instead of sharing facts, he needed to share feelings—"I thought about what I did today, and I felt deep regret. I hate that I put us here."

Honesty is information. Trust is connection. You need both.

3. Trust is Built Through Predictability, Not Just Truthfulness

Think about it: Would you trust a pilot who says, “I promise to be honest if I crash the plane”?

No! You trust a pilot because you believe they have the skills to fly safely and predictably.

That’s how trust works in relationships too.

The Fix:
Jake needed to stop thinking of honesty as a one-time event and start thinking of it as a repeated, predictable pattern of trustworthy behavior:
✔ Checking in regularly, without being asked.
✔ Following through on every single promise, big or small.
✔ Being the same person every day—so Melissa wasn’t left wondering, “Which Jake am I getting today?”

What Happened to Jake & Melissa?

We worked together for a few months, and Jake finally got it.

One night, after Melissa had a trigger, instead of waiting for her to bring it up, he sat next to her and said:

"I saw that look on your face when I picked up my phone just now. I want you to know that I noticed, and I don’t want you to sit in silence wondering. I was checking a work email. But I also know that might not matter to you right now, and I’m okay with that. I’m here. What do you need from me?"

Melissa broke down in tears. Not because she was sad, but because for the first time, she wasn’t carrying the burden of trust alone.

Jake wasn’t just being honest. He was showing up, proving himself, and becoming a person she could rely on again.

And that’s when trust actually started coming back.

Final Thought: What You Need to Do Now

If you’re an unfaithful spouse trying to rebuild trust, don’t just be honest—be actively trustworthy.

· Be proactive—don’t wait for your spouse to ask questions.

· Engage emotionally—truth without connection is empty.

· Create predictability—trust is built through repeated, consistent actions.

Because at the end of the day, trust isn’t about words. It’s about who you prove yourself to be, over and over again.

Learn from My Experience (and Mistakes)

If you're struggling to navigate the aftermath of an affair and need guidance from someone who's been there, let's work together. Sign up for one-on-one coaching sessions with me and start your journey toward healing and rebuilding trust.

Embarking on a journey of healing and personal growth after infidelity is a courageous step towards rebuilding trust and creating a brighter future.

With Doug's guidance and support, you will have the opportunity to delve deep into self-exploration, understand the root causes of your actions, and develop the necessary tools for personal transformation.

Our individual coaching program for unfaithful men and women offers a confidential and non-judgmental space, where you can find guidance, accountability, and support tailored to your unique needs.

Take the first step towards healing and rebuilding trust by investing in yourself and discovering the path to a more fulfilling and authentic life.

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When you’re ready, there are 2 ways we can help you:

1. If you’re still looking for traction in your affair recovery experience, we’d recommend starting with an one of our affordable programs. Here are 2 options:

→ Survive and Thrive after Infidelity – A unique and complete resource that will guide you through the recovery and healing process starting at D-day. It will provide you with the knowledge and tools to not only survive the affair, but thrive! Get started now!

→ The Unfaithful Person’s Guide to Helping Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: For the struggling unfaithful person, this program delves into the 24 ‘tasks’ that the cheater must complete for them to move from betrayer – to healer, while gaining a better understanding of their betrayed partner and what he/she is going through. Become a healer.

2. Individual Mentoring – Whether you’re the betrayed or the betrayer, to talk to someone who has gone through what you’re going through and who can listen and empathize with you is an incredibly powerful and valuable thing. It’s not just sympathy – it’s empathy – and it’s irreplaceable. Reserve a session (limited spots available).

Take care!

Linda & Doug

Emotional Affair Journey

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