How to Pursue Your Spouse Without Pushing Too Hard After an Affair

Alright, let’s cut right to it. After an affair, there’s a huge shift in how you see your relationship and, well, yourself. As the unfaithful person, you’re walking this tightrope between wanting to fix everything and not overwhelming your partner. It’s tricky, right? You know you want to show them that you're in it for the long haul, but you don't want to push so hard that they feel suffocated.

It’s a balancing act—a delicate one at that.

Why Pursuing Your Spouse Is Important

First, let's get one thing straight: pursuing your spouse post-affair isn’t about sweeping the mess under the rug and pretending like nothing happened. No, it’s about showing up every single day, putting in the work, and proving with your actions (not just words) that you’re committed to the long-term healing of the relationship. It’s saying, “I know I screwed up, but I’m here to rebuild, piece by piece.”

In my own experience with Linda, the road back to connection didn’t come from one grand gesture, but from showing her—day in and day out—that I was in this for real. And let me tell you, she wasn’t about to make it easy for me. I had to earn back her trust, which took patience and a whole lot of humility.

The Fine Line Between Pursuing and Pushing

Now, here’s where things get complicated. While you want to pursue your spouse, there’s a fine line between showing commitment and pushing too hard. You don’t want to be in their face 24/7, pushing them to move on faster than they’re ready. Trust me, it won’t work.

For example, early on, I thought if I just stayed really present, always apologizing, always performing acts of service, it would show Linda how serious I was about fixing things. But you know what? That approach backfired. She needed space just as much as she needed my presence. Yeah, that’s the tricky part—giving them room to breathe, while still showing up.

So, How Do You Find That Balance?

Here’s the million-dollar question: How do you pursue your spouse without pushing too hard? Well, it’s all about listening more than you talk. If they need space, give them space. But don’t disappear completely. Let them know you’re there for the hard conversations, but don’t force them before they’re ready.

One of the most important lessons I learned was that Linda didn’t need me to fix everything right away. She needed me to be consistent. Consistency is key. You’ve gotta keep showing up—especially when it’s hard. Pursue your spouse with small, daily actions. Make coffee, be a good listener, ask how they’re feeling (and mean it).

Embrace Vulnerability

Being vulnerable is a game changer. If you’re anything like me, you may not be used to exposing those deeper emotions. But now is the time to dig into them. When you show your spouse that you're willing to drop the ego, to admit where you went wrong, and to let them in on what’s going on in your head, that’s when real healing starts.

There’s a chance your spouse might not respond right away. Don’t get discouraged. It doesn’t mean they aren’t noticing your effort. It just means they need more time.

Back when I was trying to make things right with Linda, I had moments where I felt like I was shouting into the void—putting in effort but not seeing the results I wanted. But over time, those moments added up. They showed her I was serious, that I wasn’t just sorry in the short term, but genuinely committed to a long-term change.

Respecting Boundaries Without Disconnecting

There’s another side to this coin: respecting boundaries. If they’ve said they need time, don’t bulldoze over that request just because you’re feeling anxious about the state of your relationship. Respect their space, but don’t disconnect entirely.

This means checking in without overwhelming them. It’s about balance. Let them know you’re there without smothering them. Take their cues and follow their lead when it comes to how much emotional energy they can give you right now.

When Linda needed space, I backed off, but I made sure she knew I was still there, ready whenever she was. I showed up for her in ways that didn’t involve constant apologies but consistent presence—whether that was helping around the house or just being with her without forcing a conversation about the affair.

Working on Yourself While Pursuing Your Spouse

Here’s another thing: You’ve gotta work on yourself in parallel. You can’t expect your spouse to trust that you’re all in if you’re not actively addressing the issues that led to the affair. Pursuing your spouse isn’t just about them; it’s about being better for you, too.

Get into therapy, figure out why the affair happened in the first place, and start the work of becoming the partner you want to be moving forward. The truth is, you can’t build a new relationship with your spouse if you’re still carrying the same baggage from before.

For me, it took some deep reflection to realize that a lot of my actions weren’t just about the marriage—they were about my own unresolved issues. Once I started addressing those, I became a better version of myself, which only strengthened my pursuit of Linda and our relationship.

The Patience Game

Look, rebuilding trust after an affair takes time. Way more time than you probably think it should. But that’s the nature of betrayal—it’s a slow rebuild, and there’s no shortcut. Your spouse may take one step forward and two steps back. And yeah, that’s frustrating as hell, but it’s part of the process.

Your job? Stick with it. Stay patient. Stay consistent. Let them know, day after day, that you’re not going anywhere, even when it’s tough.

In Closing...

So, how do you pursue your spouse after an affair without pushing them away? You lead with empathy, consistency, and patience. You respect their need for space while being transparent, and you work on yourself in the process. You don’t rush their healing, and you don’t push them to move faster than they’re ready.

Pursuing your spouse is about building something new—a relationship based on honesty, trust, and mutual respect. And trust me, that’s something worth fighting for, but it has to be done at the right pace. Be there, show up every day, and let the process unfold in its own time.

Learn from My Experience (and Mistakes)

If you're struggling to navigate the aftermath of an affair and need guidance from someone who's been there, let's work together. Sign up for one-on-one coaching sessions with me and start your journey toward healing and rebuilding trust.

Embarking on a journey of healing and personal growth after infidelity is a courageous step towards rebuilding trust and creating a brighter future.

With Doug's guidance and support, you will have the opportunity to delve deep into self-exploration, understand the root causes of your actions, and develop the necessary tools for personal transformation.

Our individual coaching program for unfaithful men and women offers a confidential and non-judgmental space, where you can find guidance, accountability, and support tailored to your unique needs.

Take the first step towards healing and rebuilding trust by investing in yourself and discovering the path to a more fulfilling and authentic life.

From the World of Self-Improvement

Relationships

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Personal Growth

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Professional & Financial

→ Survive and Thrive after Infidelity – A unique and complete resource that will guide you through the recovery and healing process starting at D-day. It will provide you with the knowledge and tools to not only survive the affair, but thrive! Get started now!

→ The Unfaithful Person’s Guide to Helping Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: For the struggling unfaithful person, this program delves into the 24 ‘tasks’ that the cheater must complete for them to move from betrayer – to healer, while gaining a better understanding of their betrayed partner and what he/she is going through. Become a healer.

2. Individual Mentoring – Whether you’re the betrayed or the betrayer, to talk to someone who has gone through what you’re going through and who can listen and empathize with you is an incredibly powerful and valuable thing. It’s not just sympathy – it’s empathy – and it’s irreplaceable. Reserve a session (limited spots available).

Take care!

Linda & Doug

Emotional Affair Journey

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