After D-day: A Few Things I’d Do Differently

It’s been about 16 years since the day my world, and more importantly, Linda’s world, came crashing down. The day she discovered my affair. It’s a day I’ll never forget, and one that, if I could turn back time, I’d handle in a completely different way.

The Wrong Way to Handle Affair Discovery

Back then, I did everything wrong. I lied, minimized what happened, got defensive, acted selfishly, and when I finally did tell the truth, I controlled the flow of it. This “trickle-truth,” as it’s often called, was one of the worst things I could have done.

If you’re going through something similar right now, I want to share what I’d do differently - because maybe it can help you avoid some of the mistakes I made.

The Damage of Lying and Minimizing

When Linda confronted me, the first thing I did was lie. I lied to protect myself, to cover my tracks, to avoid the fallout. But here’s the thing: lies don’t protect anyone. They just dig you deeper into a hole that’s almost impossible to climb out of.

If I had the chance to do it over, I’d tell the truth from the start. No half-truths, no omissions, just the plain, ugly truth. It would have hurt like hell, but at least it would have been a foundation to start rebuilding trust.

I also minimized what I did. I tried to make it seem like it wasn’t that big of a deal…”We’re just friends” and that it didn’t mean anything. But you know what? That’s bullsh*t. An affair is a big deal, and trying to downplay it only makes things worse.

If I could go back, I’d own up to the gravity of my actions. I’d acknowledge the pain I caused and validate Linda’s feelings instead of trying to make myself feel better by pretending it wasn’t that bad.

The Trap of Trickle-Truth

And then there was the trickle-truth. When I finally started to tell the truth, I didn’t do it all at once. I controlled the flow of information, only revealing bits and pieces over time. I thought I was sparing Linda more pain by not dumping it all on her at once, but in reality, I was just prolonging the agony. Each new revelation reopened the wound, making it impossible for her to heal. If I could go back, I’d give her the full truth upfront. It’s like ripping off a bandage - it’s painful, but it’s the only way to start real healing.

The Turning Point: Learning to Be Honest

Luckily, I eventually got my head out of my ass and figured things out (with Linda’s help). It took a lot of hard conversations, uncomfortable truths, and swallowing my pride to finally realize that the only way forward was to be completely transparent and genuinely remorseful.

Linda was willing to work with me, but only after I stopped making excuses and started taking full responsibility. She showed me that rebuilding trust wasn’t just about saying the right things - it was about consistently showing up and proving that I was committed to making things right, every single day.

The Importance of Listening and Prioritizing Healing

Being defensive was another huge mistake. Every time Linda tried to talk about what happened and/or ask questions, I’d shut her down, turn the conversation around, or make excuses. I was more concerned with protecting my ego than with helping her heal. If I had a do-over, I’d listen. Really listen. Without interrupting, without trying to defend myself, and without trying to fix everything right away. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is just be there and let the other person express their pain.

And then there’s the selfishness. I was so focused on how the affair affected me - how I felt, what I wanted, how I could move on - that I completely lost sight of what Linda needed. I didn’t prioritize her, didn’t think about how she was suffering, and didn’t put her healing first.

If I could go back, I’d make her needs my top priority. I’d ask her what she needed from me, and I’d follow through, no matter how hard it was for me. Because in the end, it wasn’t about me - it was about helping her recover from the betrayal I caused.

Moving Forward with Honesty and Commitment

Looking back, I wish I had been more patient, more understanding, and more committed to doing the work necessary to rebuild what I’d shattered. The road to recovery after an affair is long, hard, and filled with bumps, but it’s not impossible. If I had approached it with honesty, humility, and a genuine desire to make things right, we might have healed faster and with less pain.

So, if you’re in the midst of this mess right now, take it from someone who’s been there and done it wrong: be honest, be open, be patient, and be selfless. And if you’re tempted to hold back details, thinking you’re protecting your partner - don’t. Give them the full truth, all at once. It’s not easy, but it’s the only way to start moving forward in a way that respects the person you hurt and the relationship you’ve damaged.

You’ve got a tough road ahead, but you don’t have to walk it the way I did. Learn from my mistakes, and maybe you’ll find a way to make it through to the other side, stronger and more connected than before.

Learn from My Experience (and Mistakes)

If you're struggling to navigate the aftermath of an affair and need guidance from someone who's been there, let's work together. Sign up for one-on-one coaching sessions with me and start your journey toward healing and rebuilding trust.

Embarking on a journey of healing and personal growth after infidelity is a courageous step towards rebuilding trust and creating a brighter future.

With Doug's guidance and support, you will have the opportunity to delve deep into self-exploration, understand the root causes of your actions, and develop the necessary tools for personal transformation.

Our individual coaching program for unfaithful men and women offers a confidential and non-judgmental space, where you can find guidance, accountability, and support tailored to your unique needs.

Take the first step towards healing and rebuilding trust by investing in yourself and discovering the path to a more fulfilling and authentic life.

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Whenever you’re ready, there are 2 ways we can help you:

1. If you’re still looking for traction in your affair recovery experience, we’d recommend starting with an one of our affordable programs. Here are 2 options:

→ Survive and Thrive after Infidelity – A unique and complete resource that will guide you through the recovery and healing process starting at D-day. It will provide you with the knowledge and tools to not only survive the affair, but thrive! Get started now!

→ The Unfaithful Person’s Guide to Helping Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: For the struggling unfaithful person, this program delves into the 24 ‘tasks’ that the cheater must complete for them to move from betrayer – to healer, while gaining a better understanding of their betrayed partner and what he/she is going through. Become a healer.

2. Individual Mentoring – Whether you’re the betrayed or the betrayer, to talk to someone who has gone through what you’re going through and who can listen and empathize with you is an incredibly powerful and valuable thing. It’s not just sympathy – it’s empathy – and it’s irreplaceable. Reserve a session (limited spots available).

Take care!

Linda & Doug

Emotional Affair Journey

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