What if you don't really know the answer to questions?

Question:

I understand that it is very important to communicate details to the spouse who didn't have the affair and answer his/her questions, but what if the spouse asks a question which you just don't have an answer for or just don't know the answer?

Response:

This is a legitimate question, seemingly not aimed at avoiding, but recognizing that sometimes there aren't easy answers.

The quick rule of thumb in identifying whether someone won't answer as opposed to whether they can't answer is to identify the nature of the question.

For instance, anyone should be able to answer "factual" questions like "who, what, when, where…" However, it's somewhat more difficult to accurately answer questions about "why." And it's even more difficult to accurately answer questions that explain what you were "thinking" or "feelings" related to the affair.

As most of you who have followed our work know, We're great believers in honesty and answering questions. Unfortunately, providing "reasonable, consistent, believable" answers can be extremely difficult, because "after-the-fact," people don't always know what they were "thinking" or "why" they said or did something.

And they're even less likely to be clear about how they felt at the time. (Emotions often interfere with clear thinking, and having an affair creates a variety of strong emotions: excitement, guilt, fear of getting caught…)

One reason it may be difficult to know the answers to some questions (even if/when you want to answer them) is that people having affairs have often shifted things around in their heads so much to make them "fit" into a reality they can live with, that they really don't have good clarity around a lot of the details. And there's a danger in trying to dredge up clarity when there never was any clarity, especially when it comes to feelings.

Also, when someone is confused about the answer to some question, they often fall back on saying whatever they think might "work" as an answer that will satisfy the betrayed spouse’s questions enough to stop the questions — which is usually the primary goal (even if subconsciously).

This understanding about some of the problems in trying to honestly answer questions in no way "excuses" trying as hard as possible to respond. As we've written before, it's the willingness to try to answer all questions as honestly as possible that is most important.

Difficulty remembering in no way relieves the necessity of making the effort. It is not a justification for avoiding trying to answer them.

However, it's also important to realize that even when people want to be honest, it may be very difficult for them to do so. Even those who are "eventually" honest about everything usually "tell it all" in stages. (also known as "trickle truth")

Unfortunately, this "trickle truth" way of revealing information represents a failure to appreciate that every time some new and/or additional secret is revealed, it means starting all over with trying to rebuild trust.

So the sooner questions are answered and the more thoroughly they are answered, the better for everyone.

Related Article: How to Talk Truthfully with Your Partner After Your Affair

A Betrayed Spouse Needs to Know the Details of the Affair

By Doug

We’ve addressed the importance of full disclosure and providing the details of the affair by the cheater a few times. In fact, Sarah P. wrote a nice article as recently as April. But the other day we came across a wonderful letter on the Marriage Advocates site that we feel might benefit some of you.

Perhaps you might want use the letter as a template, edit it to fit your situation and then present it to your spouse. (If so, you can click here for a text version of the letter. Once open, save to your computer or copy and paste it into your own document.)

If you’re the wayward spouse, maybe this letter can help you can gain a clearer understanding of the effects your affair has had and maybe help you see things more through the eyes (and the reality) of your spouse.

Anyways, we hope this is helpful!

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Take care!

Linda & Doug

Emotional Affair Journey

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