"How could you do this to me if you loved me?"

Ah, that question, "How could you do this to me if you loved me?" is a tough one, and rightfully so. It cuts right to the heart of the matter, doesn't it? I've been on both sides of that question, so I get how loaded and painful it is.

First off, it's important to acknowledge the pain behind this question. When someone asks this, it's coming from a place of deep hurt and betrayal. They're trying to make sense of something that feels senseless. They're looking for some sort of understanding in a situation that's turned their world upside down.

Now, as someone who's been the unfaithful spouse, I can tell you that infidelity is rarely about love – or the lack of it – for the partner who's been betrayed. That might sound counterintuitive, but it's true. Most of the time, when someone strays, it's about something missing in them, not something missing in their partner or their relationship. It's about a void, an insecurity, a need to escape, or something unresolved within themselves.

Infidelity: Not About Love, But a Void Within

Often, it's not about the other person at all. It's an incredibly selfish act, driven by self-gratification and often a lack of impulse control. It's about seeking something that feels exciting or fulfilling in the moment, without thinking about the consequences, the hurt it will cause, or what it says about one's character and commitment.

So, when a betrayed spouse asks, "How could you do this if you loved me?" the painful and honest answer is that, in those moments of infidelity, the unfaithful spouse wasn't thinking about love. They weren't considering their partner's feelings or the damage they were causing. It's not an excuse, just a sad reality. And that's a hard thing to admit and confront.

The Road to Reconciliation

What's crucial, though, is what happens after that realization. For someone who's been unfaithful and wants to repair their relationship, it's about understanding why they did what they did, what it means about their values and choices, and how they can ensure it never happens again. It's about rebuilding trust, demonstrating genuine remorse, and showing through actions, not just words, that they truly love and value their partner.

So, to anyone grappling with this question, I'd say: It's a valid question, and you deserve an honest answer. And for the unfaithful partner, it's your responsibility to provide that answer and work tirelessly to rebuild what you've broken. It's a long road, but with commitment, honesty, and empathy, it's possible to find healing and even a stronger bond than before.

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Individual Coaching

If you’re struggling after your affair and feel you need some guidance and direction, I encourage you to consider Individual Coaching. We can address any struggles you might be having head-on and/or work on those areas where you think you can use some improvement or want to change. You can learn more here: One-on-One Coaching for the Unfaithful Person

Additionally, I realize times are tough for many folks, so I'm offering a 20% discount as well. On the checkout page, simply enter the discount code, 20coach and click the "Apply coupon code" button.

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Whenever you’re ready, there are 2 ways we can help you:

1. If you’re still looking for traction in your affair recovery experience, we’d recommend starting with an one of our affordable programs. Here are 2 options:

→ Survive and Thrive after Infidelity – A unique and complete resource that will guide you through the recovery and healing process starting at D-day. It will provide you with the knowledge and tools to not only survive the affair, but thrive! Get started now!

→ The Unfaithful Person’s Guide to Helping Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: For the struggling unfaithful person, this program delves into the 24 ‘tasks’ that the cheater must complete for them to move from betrayer – to healer, while gaining a better understanding of their betrayed partner and what he/she is going through. Become a healer.

2. Individual Mentoring – Whether you’re the betrayed or the betrayer, to talk to someone who has gone through what you’re going through and who can listen and empathize with you is an incredibly powerful and valuable thing. It’s not just sympathy – it’s empathy – and it’s irreplaceable. Reserve a session (limited spots available).

Take care!

Linda & Doug

Emotional Affair Journey

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