Am I a Narcissist?

Question:  I had an affair that lasted a little more than a year. My wife discovered it and I ended the affair shortly thereafter. Our affair recovery has been rocky at best as I seem to make a lot of mistakes. One of the issues is that my wife thinks I'm a narcissist and that I will/can't change and am only thinking of myself. While I agree that my affair was incredibly selfish, I'm learning to understand why I had my affair with the help of my therapist and am trying to make amends to my wife. I love my wife and want to save my marriage. What are your thoughts...Am I just a hopeless narcissist or do we have a chance?

Response: First of all, it takes courage to confront the difficult aspects of oneself, especially in the context of relationship betrayals such as an affair. The fact that you've recognized the affair as a deeply selfish act and are actively seeking therapy to understand the motivations behind your actions is a significant step in the right direction.

Narcissism, as a trait, exists on a spectrum, and while certain behaviors may seem self-centered or narcissistic, they don't necessarily mean that someone is a narcissist in the clinical sense. What's crucial here is your capacity for self-reflection, your willingness to change, and your commitment to making amends to your wife. These are not characteristics typically associated with narcissism, especially if there's genuine empathy and a desire to understand the impact of your actions on others.

Your wife's perception of you as a narcissist could be her way of expressing deep hurt and disappointment. It's essential to recognize the pain your actions have caused and to understand that rebuilding trust is a process that takes time, patience, and consistent effort. Communicating openly and honestly with your wife about your feelings, your commitment to the relationship, and the steps you're taking to understand and change your behavior is key.

In terms of whether you have a chance to save your marriage, the answer lies in the ongoing efforts from both you and your wife to work through the aftermath of the affair. This includes continued therapy, possibly exploring couples counseling, and committing to open, transparent communication. It's about demonstrating through actions, not just words, that you're dedicated to change and to the health of your marriage.

Recovery from an affair is a rocky path, and setbacks are part of the process. The willingness to confront and work through these challenges together can strengthen your relationship over time. It's also vital for your wife to feel heard and validated in her feelings, which may require patience and understanding as she processes the betrayal.

In summary, being labeled a narcissist doesn't define your entire being or dictate the future of your marriage. What matters most is your genuine effort to change, the ability to empathize with your wife's pain, and a commitment to rebuilding your relationship. With time, therapy, and mutual effort, there is always hope for healing and a stronger bond moving forward.

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Individual Coaching

If you’re struggling after your affair and feel you need some guidance and direction, I encourage you to consider Individual Coaching. We can address any struggles you might be having head-on and/or work on those areas where you think you can use some improvement or want to change. You can learn more here: One-on-One Coaching for the Unfaithful Person

Additionally, I realize times are tough for many folks, so I'm offering a 20% discount as well. On the checkout page, simply enter the discount code, 20coach and click the "Apply coupon code" button.

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Whenever you’re ready, there are 2 ways we can help you:

1. If you’re still looking for traction in your affair recovery experience, we’d recommend starting with an one of our affordable programs. Here are 2 options:

→ Survive and Thrive after Infidelity – A unique and complete resource that will guide you through the recovery and healing process starting at D-day. It will provide you with the knowledge and tools to not only survive the affair, but thrive! Get started now!

→ The Unfaithful Person’s Guide to Helping Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: For the struggling unfaithful person, this program delves into the 24 ‘tasks’ that the cheater must complete for them to move from betrayer – to healer, while gaining a better understanding of their betrayed partner and what he/she is going through. Become a healer.

2. Individual Mentoring – Whether you’re the betrayed or the betrayer, to talk to someone who has gone through what you’re going through and who can listen and empathize with you is an incredibly powerful and valuable thing. It’s not just sympathy – it’s empathy – and it’s irreplaceable. Reserve a session (limited spots available).

Take care!

Linda & Doug

Emotional Affair Journey

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