Question:

I made a grave error in judgment when I had an affair about 4 years ago. I understand that he is angry and has every right to be. I'm terribly sorry for my actions and desperately want to be forgiven and to get on with our lives—but I don't know what to do to help him get through the depression, hurt, pain etc. Even after all this time, he still says he has no hope for the future and lives day to day. Any information that you can give me would be of great help.

Response:

Most people involved in this kind of situation want closure and feel that "forgiveness" can bring the kind of closure that allows them to "get on with our lives."

When this much time has passed and there's still anger or depression that stands in the way of forgiveness, it may be because the couple has tried to "put the affair behind them and go on" without fully dealing with it.

Anytime this issue is set aside (and buried) without thoroughly discussing it and getting as much understanding as possible, it's simply "buried alive" and keeps coming back over and over again—and the depression or anger often continue indefinitely.

It's not enough for someone to say they're sorry for their actions or to make promises about the future. It takes concrete answers that can only come when there's more understanding of the issue of affairs in general and of their own experience in particular. Any effort at "forgiveness" without having fully addressed the whole situation is usually an empty forgiveness.

Only when people gain information, understanding, and perspective (so they can overcome the shame and blame of seeing affairs only as personal failures) are they prepared to overcome the anger or depression—and truly "forgive."

Related Article: How to Talk Truthfully with Your Partner After Your Affair

4 Lessons Learned: 20 Years After My Affair

By Tim Tedder

I remember one particular afternoon in college when, for some reason, I became deeply contemplative during a walk from class to my dorm room. My considerations turned to future expectations, imagining what path my life would take. What would I be doing in the decades to come? How successful would I be? What would my wife look like? How many children would we have? What would it feel like to live the life of my choosing? I tried to imagine it all.

I stopped in front of Pickett Hall and thought, “I’m going to always remember this moment.” I wanted that day’s thoughts of hope to be a measure against whatever realities would eventually come in years ahead.

What my life became was not too far off that measure. I was married to a beautiful woman and we had five children together. (Okay, maybe there were only two kids in my original imaginations, but she easily persuaded me to expand my vision.) I was respected and successful in my career with invitations to new opportunities. So far, so good.

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Take care!

Linda & Doug

Emotional Affair Journey

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